Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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