I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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