Yo dont text me then not text me
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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