if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
