Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
