ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
