I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
