my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Randomize
