just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
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There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
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What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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