I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i think my tv is drunk
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
