if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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