Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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