we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
