Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
