I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
