Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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