Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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