she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
