Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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