"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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