How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
