i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
