the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
