Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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