That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
