dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.