She is in my trunk
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(