I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
