I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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