The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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