the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
