if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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