Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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