I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize