I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
