gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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