I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
