God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
