Your face is a jimmy john
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
