I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
