Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
