I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I stole a fireplace last night.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize