New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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