I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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