All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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