she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
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