how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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