did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
