I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
