Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
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They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
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My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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