When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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