i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
