i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
