Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
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I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
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I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize