There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I cockslap morals
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
