Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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