yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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