She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
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