the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
