So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
